The Tallest Go to IHOP
by TheIrkenMachine
Summary: The title says it all, doesn't it? This story contains fancharacters, but no romance, so don't worry. It's a crazy tallests go to earth story. Please R


Author's Note: Long time fan, first time story-poster. Please be gentle in any criticizm you might give me. Thanks! Also, this a co-authored story, see Amythesimpson about her half of the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim, only Co-Tallest Gray. Zim is copyrighted to Jhonen Vasquez, Viacom, Nickelodeon, you know the drill.

The Tallest Go to IHOP

A fan-fic of pure doom co-authored by CrazyUFOgirl and Amythesimpson This Chapter was written by CrazyUFOgirl

The Massive floated peacefully through outer space. Of course, the peacefulness only lasted a moment because peacefulness has a way of leaving abruptly and rudely. Actually, it was because a whiny voice cut through the blessed silence…

"Red… Red…RED!"

The voice belonged to nonother than co-Tallest Gray, who was growing ever-impatient. Gray hovered up behind Red, who was sitting in his chair on the command deck next to his violet-eyed co-dictator.

"Red…HEY!" 

It appeared as though Red hadn't heard her, so she did what any normal human, er alien, would do, and began to poke him in the head.

"Hey poke Hey poke Hey poke RED RED RED RED RED poke poke poke poke poke"

"WHAT?" Red answered at last, batting her hand away.

"You never take me anywhere!" Gray whined, "I wanna go somewhere!"

"Where is there to go this side of the universe? It's a waste land!"

"I wanna go!" Gray persisted.

The two continued to argue in their child-like fashion, oblivious to co-Tallest Black, who had entered a few moments ago. She stood behind Purple, who was trying to watch Teletubies on the view screen, and observed the other two for a second.

"Hey! Purple doesn't take me anywhere either!" Black interrupted, making her presence known, "what is that all about? Huh? HUH?"

"I thought you were happy on the Massive," Purple said defensively, jumping up out of his seat.

Black and Gray stared at the Tallests for a moment, their expressions unreadable, which gave the Tallests the creeps. The two females then looked at each other, grins playing across their features, as they joined in a rather irksome chorus.

"I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go, I WANNA GO!"

"Alright!" Purple exploded. He sighed in defeat, "Where do you want to go"  
Black pondered this for a moment and brought up a system of star maps on the view screen, cutting off Purple's Teletubie transmission.

"Earth is the closest civilized planet," she said at last.

"Zim is on Earth," Red argued.

"I've haven't been to Earth since I was sent to collect Zim's undead carcass. I think it'd be a splendid idea to go to Earth," Gray agreed.

"Zim is on Earth," Red said again, louder this time.

"Earth it is then," Black concluded.

"But ZIM is on Earth!"

Red's argument fell on deaf…antennae, however, as Black and Gray brought up yet another map on the screen.

"Where on Earth…" Black mused, "I know! Let's do a double date! Then we can eat food!"

The Tallests, who had been standing in the background looking defeated, perked up at the promise of food, and came to look over the female Irken's shoulders. They scanned a large group of Earth locations, looking for the perfect place.

"It has to be fancy," Gray stated, "The finest restaurant that spinning ball of filth has to offer!"

P.U.R., co-Tallest Black's SIR unit, fell from the ceiling with a clunk. It began to dance and sing, sing the magic answer to all questions in the universe.

"I hop, you hop, we all hop for IHOP!"

Black and Gray turned to the Tallests, grinning at each other.

"That's it!"

"Fine. What-ever," Red submitted.

A few minutes later, the four Irkens and 2 SIR units (one of them actually functional) were crammed into a Voot Cruiser and well on their way to planet Earth. It would only take them a few hours to get there, but a few hours with this bunch can turn into pure Hell, which it did.

"Are we there yet?"

"Red," Gray gritted her teeth, trying to control herself, "we were not there the 1st time you asked, we were not there the 51st time you ask, and we're not there now! Are we still in the stinking ship? Are we still moving? Can you still see stars and the cold void of space? Because if you can, then we're not there yet!"

"Well, when will be there?"

"We'll be there when we get there!" Gray rubbed her temples, "I could seriously use a mocha latte right now."

The ship was quiet for a second, before Black made a suggestion that would unknowingly doom them all.

"I know, let's sing! Singing always makes time go faster!"

"OOhhh! I know! I know!" Purple waved his claws excitedly, "let's sing Wheels on the Bus!"

"What's a bus?" Gray inquired.

"I don't know, I heard it on TV. The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town….The wipers on the bus go…."

As Purple was singing, PUR decided to join in the merriment as well…

"98 bottles of Poop on the wall! 98 bottles of Poop! Take one down, and pass it around, 98 bottles of Poop on the wall…"

Gray's eye twitched and she dug her claws into the seat cushions.

"Oh, I got one!" Red chimed in, "Alouetta, jointy alla blah, blah, alla blah blah jingly all the way …"

Gray stared at Black incredulously.

"Oops," Black shrugged, and went back to piloting the ship.

2 hours later…

"The Zim's on the bus go stupid, stupid, stupid…"

"531/2 bottle of Poop…"

"yin yang alla something…."

"AIEEEE!" Gray screamed, tugging at her antennae, unable to contain her insanity any longer. The ship surprisingly silenced at her out burst.

"I know a song we can sing…" Gray said, look for all the world like a mad woman, "The Gray's on the ship go shut-up, shut-up, shut-up, the Gray's on the ship go shut-up or I'll cut off your head!"

"That's not part of the song, Gray…" Purple corrected.

"It is now!" Gray grabbed the controls from Black.

"Hey! What are you doing!"

"Land the ship! Let me out of here! Right now!"

The two battled over the controls, which inevitably sent the ship spiraling down to the conveniently located planet Earth. It spun uncontrollably, picking up speed and catching on fire. The Tallest screamed for their lives, as PUR just sat back and enjoyed the ride.

"Yay! We're gonna crash and burn!"

Meanwhile, on Earth…

Keef and Iggins skipped merrily though a field of pretty flowers. The sun shown down on them and all was right with the world. Then, BOOM! Them ship crashed right on top of them! Jhonen sat in a bell tower laughing and Steve Russell ate a hot dog.

"It had to be done," Jhonen said, and Steve nodded in agreement.

Then, the four Irken superiors stumbled out of the ship onto solid ground. Purple looked around, amused.

"Ha! This is Earth! What a poor excuse for a-"

"The city's this way," Black interrupted, pointing off over the horizon.

Red and Purple started to walk off in the direction she was pointing.

"Wait! We need disguises!"

The Tallest just shrugged and went back to join the other two. A thingy opened up off the back of the ship (like on Zim's Voot Cruiser in 'Nightmare Begins').

"Ladies first," Red muttered and Black stepped into the device first.

The device made strange whirring noises and light emanated from all around it. Then, it just stopped. The three Irkens on the outside looked at each other, confused.

"Black, are you in there?" Gray asked, knocking on the door.

Her knocking was answered by loud banging coming from the other side.

"The bloody door is stuck!" Black shouted, kicking the door again.

She kicked it a few more times before it finally flew open, hitting Purple in the face in the process. Black stepped out of the machine with menacing green eyes and huge black hair, dressed somewhat like a human punk-rocker. She grinned proudly.

"Your turn!" She said, pushing Gray into the device.

Gray stepped out a few seconds later, looking more like a business woman. She had long purple hair and gray contacts. The Tallest followed suite. Red ended up looking like a gangster, with a backward baseball cap to hide his antennae and contacts allowing his natural red eyes to show through. Purple came out looking like a nerd. He had blond hair, with streaks of blue, violet contacts, and an I 'heart' Earth shirt. 

PUR was the last to get a disguise. As PUR stepped out of the machine, from out of no-where the song "I'm too Sexy" started playing. PUR looked like a human prep-school boy, complete with blonde hair and a light blue sweater tied around his shoulders.

Satisfied with this, the Irkens began their march into the city, with Black in the lead. This is the part of the show where there would be a close up of each character in their disguise coupled with cheesy music, but we won't torture you with that.

So the four marched over the horizon into the city to the song "Roll Out." Gray and Red tried to do the serious, gangster, don't mess with us walk, while Black and Purple tried to dance and walk in tempo to the music at the same time. Needless to say, they looked absolutely ridiculous. But the humiliation ended soon, however, as Purple tripped and the song was cut off abruptly.

At long last they arrived at the Lazy Inn. Of course they didn't understand why you needed to a license to own a plate and why this was necessary to check in, but Gray gave the clerk some chewy candy and all was right with the world again.

Of course by this time the Tallest had gone more than 3 minutes with out food, so they made haste in getting to the famed IHOP, ordering the functional SIR unit to stay at the hotel.

All was going well. They were seated in an orderly fashion and were looking at the menus in front of them. It was finally peaceful…but you know what happens to peacefulness…

"Crepe, crepe, I want crepe," PUR sang, getting up and dancing on the table, "Crepe, crepe, I want crepe, Crepe, crepe it's so great! Crepe, crepe, give me crepe! I love crepe! Crepe is great! Crepe, crepe, crepe!"

Red's eye had begun to twitch during all this as he glared at PUR over his menu. He grabbed a cherry off a plate at the table next to them and flung it at the SIR unit, hitting it in the head.

"Silence little robot!"

The Crepe Song ceased and all went back to quietly reading their menus. That is, until the sound of hissing and screeching followed by breaking dishes in the kitchen interrupted them.

Two chubby waitresses with wild hair and eyes came running out of the kitchen, chasing each other and clawing each other like cats.

"He's my man, ho!" Waitress #1 shouted.

"I don't care, he stole my burritos!"

"You stole my table! That fat man leaves a $5 tip every week and he was at my table!"

"I don't see your name engraved in it!"

Waitress #1 let out a hiss and lunged at Waitress #2, baring her claw-like nails. The two rolled around on the floor and back into the kitchen, making cat-fight noises the whole time. A few seconds later, an actual cat flew out of the kitchen and almost smashed into the door. It was saved when a little balding man with a tupe opened the door. The cat grabbed onto the man's bad hair piece and he went screaming.

"NO! Not my fake hair! NOOOOO!"

"O…kay…." Purple looked scared for a moment, but ultimately shrugged it off and went back to reading the menu.

A few minutes later, Waitress #1 emerged from the kitchen and went to their table, trying to tame her wild hair.

"What can I get for ya'll," she asked in an innocent southern accent.

A few moments later all four Irkens and PUR had their drinks and patiently, and somewhat boardly, awaited their food.

"Hey, moron!"

Red looked up just in time to for Purple's straw wrapper to hit him between the eyes. Red stared for a moment and blinked slowly. Suddenly, his expression turned angry and his fellow rulers knew they were all in for a rant, but nothing could prepare them for what was coming next.

"Yo home dog! What yo problem! Every time a brotha tryin to get down on the down low ya'll have to get up in my businaz! Tryin to work our block! That ain't fly, yo! You don't got no bling bling like this! It's the forshizzle! Now get up out my face before I call the po-po and bust a cap in this hood…Dog!"

"….o-kay…" Purple said, stirring his drink. Gray arched an eyebrow and shook her head sadly while Black just stared in fear. Red just smirked and crossed his arms defiantly, feeling he had won the battle here.

The restaurant was silent again, until a baby chewing on a balloon a few tables over made the balloon pop and started crying. Waitress #1 returned and set a giant plate of crepe down on the table.

"Whoa! Look at the size of that potato chip!" Purple exclaimed.

He took a big bite out of it, then spit it out, disgusted and confused.

"That doesn't taste like a potato chip! What the heck's the matter with this planet?"

He sat back in his chair, pouting, which made Black sad.

"I know what will cheer you up," she said.

She got up and found one of those juke box things and punched a few buttons. Soon "Heart and Soul" was blasting through all the speakers in the restaurant. The Irkens cheered and started dancing around the table, terribly off beat. Soon, the whole restaurant was dancing to the merry melody and somewhere far off, a band directors ears went exlodie.

Meanwhile, Zim walked by the window. He glared at the dancing humans inside, then walked on.

After the dancing was over, Waitress #1 brought out the food. Gray tried to pour syrup on her pancakes, put it was stuck in the bottle. She shook it and squeezed it, but it still wouldn't come out.

"Stupid demon syrup bottle…" She whacked it off the edge of the table and it squirted all over Tallest Purple.

It didn't take long for a swarm of evil death bees to find their way into the restaurant and attack the unsuspecting Tallest. This, of course, sent Purple running and screaming.

"AIEEE! The sting-y creatures! STING-Y!"

After much running and screaming, he eventually collapsed to the ground, still a syrup covered mess. Black got up and walked over to him, taking a fork full of pancakes and wiping them through the syrup on his arm.

"Delicious hurtings," Black grinned, eating the pancake.

Purple looked confused a moment, then went back to the table, plopping down in his seat. In the process, his arm accidentally hit a fork, which launched the plate of giant crepe and sent it flying through the air. The crepe then landed on the waitress's head, crushing her under its great weight.

"The crepe! Crepe!"

Back at the table, the Irkens (and PUR) had resumed eating their food. Red poked at his eggs.

"These eggs are too cold. I hate cold eggs. Gray, I don't like these eggs."

"So quit whining about it and send them back," Gray answered, not even looking up.

Red just stared at her and continued to pout.

"Oh, for Irk's sake! Give me those!"

Gray took the plate of eggs back to the kitchen and asked them to reheat them, explaining in great detail what Red thought of the eggs.

A few moments later, Waitress #1 returned with the plate of eggs and slammed them down on the table in front of Red. She had crepe stuck in her hair and look half-crazed. Red took a small bite and set his fork down again.

"Now they're too hot! I can't eat these! I might burn myself!"

The waitress's eye twitched. She picked up the plate and started to walk back to the kitchen, but turned at the last moment and hurled the plate of steaming eggs at Red, hitting him directly in the face.

Red, screaming in pain, then chucked the bottle of syrup at Purple, whose fork picked up a loaf of bread-nuts and dropped it on the balloon-biting baby, who ate the loaf of nutty bread. Mass chaos ensued as a little old man yelled: "FOOD FIGHT!"

Soon, pancakes, crepes, eggs, jellos, and even some French fries in onion sauce, were flying through the air, covering the restaurant in a sticky, syrupy, onion-y mess.

After the fight, the Irkens walked down the side walk toward the hotel, having been kicked out of the IHOP by the morbidly obese manager. They were laughing, at what no one knows. Red walked behind all the others, kicking an empty pop can he had found and Gray walked in front of him dragging a rather large stick behind her. Purple and Black were in the lead eating candies they stole from the check out in the restaurant and PUR had disappeared in the shoe store they passed 3 blocks back.

After they had been walking for a while, Red got bored of simply kicking the can a few inches in front of him, so he started kicking it harder, trying to hit Purple in the back of the head. Given pop cans don't really hurt, Purple would just throw the can back at Red with mild irritation. But this kept happening again and again, so Purple decided to teach Red a lesson.

Red kicked the can once more, sending it air born and hitting Purple directly in the back of the head. But instead of throwing it back, Purple picked it up and kept walking, keeping it hidden in front of him.

"Hey! What gives? Give me back my can, you jerk!"

"Finders keepers."

"Give it, Pur, you creep!"

Black stifled a laugh.

"Here," she handed Purple a handful of rocks, which he put in the can.

Turing, Purple whipped the can at Red full-force. Gray saw the demon can flying at her head and acted in defense. Using her stick as a bat, she sent the can flying into the street where it flew through the window of a moving car and hit the driver in the head. The car swerved and hit a fire hydrant, smashing the front.

The Irkens looked at each other, then took off running for the hotel. The angry driver, who looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger, stepped out of the car.

"Somebody will pay for this," he said in an Arnold voice.

"Oh, man!" Dib popped up from the bushes where he had been spying on the aliens.

"You! Little punk! You make me wreck my car and give me head pains!"

"What? Me! It was the aliens! Aliens!"

"And now you mock me? You goin' down, little man!"

Arnold then lunged at Dib and pinned him to the ground. Police sirens could soon be heard in the distance.

A few minutes later, the police threw a hand-cuffed Dib into the back of a squad car.

"But it wasn't me! It was the aliieennnsssss!"

Back at the hotel, the Tallests and co-Tallest collapsed on the lobby floor, laughing hysterically.

End Scene 


End file.
